Friday, October 26, 2012

heartbroken

 
Image from {here}

I thought my last two posts were hard, but they just keep getting harder. I prefer posting happy pictures of my baby and fun art projects, but I've always been dedicated to staying true on this blog and not glazing over the hard stuff as if it weren't there; the hard stuff is what makes us stronger. It's what others relate to. My story could help someone cope with their own experiences.

So here it is: my ever-changing life is changing yet again. I'm officially a single mom. To put a long and personal (to a person other than me) story short, Spencer does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He still wants to be a good father and be active in November's life, but he can't marry me or be with me.

I'm so broken-hearted and in a tremendous amount of emotional pain, even though it has been slowly lessening since yesterday, when we talked and made it official. I've never hurt like this before. It's a deep wound and will take a lot of healing.

I'm also dealing with a lot of negative feelings right now. I'm feeling a lot of deep sadness and grief over the loss of the love I had and the future I had dreamed of and tenderly cherished. I'm feeling betrayed by his lack of communication and the suddenness of this whole situation; I thought everything was fine and would be perfect once he was less busy. 

I'm feeling remorse for not following my intuition; deep down I knew something was up with him, but I convinced myself I was imagining things. There were so many things my gut told me that I ignored. Even from the start, I knew he wasn't ready to get into a relationship with me, as he had literally just come out of one. I knew he would regret settling down and choose freedom eventually. I knew the restaurant job would be the breaking point. I knew and know so many other things. I will never doubt myself again.

I'm feeling unworthy, unloved, and rejected. If it were up to me, we would make it work, do whatever it took to make our relationship survive for November, as I recognize the importance of a child growing up within an unbroken family. I've always been dedicated to making it work. Every time the passion dwindled on my side, or we were having some issues, I made the choice to get the passion back, to ask myself what I could change within me to make our relationship better. That was great on my part, but I didn't realize that action needed to be on both sides. I thought I could carry the relationship for the both of us through my effort alone. But that isn't how it works. You both need to work on it and be dedicated to it. He is no longer 'IN love' with me, and is choosing to leave our relationship, and boy does that hurt. Badly.

I'm feeling ashamed. I feel like a failure. I'm almost 29 (this coming Wednesday) and I'm back at my moms. I would feel more successful and powerful if I were living alone with November, but being around family might be what I need. I'm also feeling humiliated knowing that, since Spencer is friends with the circle my ex belongs to, the ex is sure to find out and probably think it's awesome that I've been dumped after having a baby. It sounds petty, but I can't pretend it's not in the back of my mind.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach about how this will affect November forever. No matter how involved Spencer turns out to be, or how amiable our relationship is, nothing compares to having her loving biological father in the home EVERY day. But, as this is no longer an option, we will have to do our best. We were friends for many more years than we were lovers, so I hope we can find that friendship again to help lessen the blow and continue to provide her with the family she needs. 

I know these negative feelings will fade. I will feel happy, beautiful and loved again. I'll feel confident and worthy. I'll quit caring what others think. I'll meet new people, new friends. I'll fall in love again, and I'll be even stronger and smarter next time, and life will only get better. I'll smile more, cry less. I'll heal. Ill love. Live. Learn. Grow. I'll be better from this.

But right now it just hurts. 

I wish Spencer luck. I truly want him to be happy. I hope he finds what he is looking for in life on this new journey of his, and I hope it's worth losing me for.

The lesson: Love is a choice. Once the lust, passion, excitement and obsession fade, you are left with sober, boring, calm, reasonable love. But most people don't understand; that's what REAL, true, honest love feels like. I know it sounds grim, but those other feelings always fade. Always. If you expect those feelings to last, you will jump from one relationship to the next without ever knowing true, hard-earned love. Once the passion fades, love becomes a choice. It's hard work to maintain, but it's up to you to keep the flame alive, to bring back the passion, remember why you fell in love and try to live every day like it's the first date. You have to grow with it, be willing to change with it. And the results are subtle; not as flashy as a new, sexy mate. What you get is a family. A partner. A life. Something to build, nurture, and be proud of. Someone who loves you unconditionally. Or you can choose being alone. Or the Russian roulette of ever-changing mates, drama, and superficial bragging rights over your hot new upgrade. No choice is wrong or right but it is all up to you.

I will say that I am so grateful that our short-lived love story resulted in the most amazing, wonderful thing; November. I am so happy she is in my life and am going to do my best to give her the life she deserves. And I know her father loves her too. That we will always have in common.

You see, I'm already healing; I wrote this entire post without shedding a single tear. Goodnight, world, tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be better than today.

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