Following the theme of my post about self worth, I'm taking a look at another emotion that lurks behind my more obvious feelings of hate and bitterness over my breakup.
Today's emotional discovery: fear.
I realize that a lot of reasons I harbor so much bitterness is fear; there are so many things that make me fearful.
I'm afraid I will make the same mistakes I made with him. I'm afraid I'll give my heart away fully only to get hurt again. I'm afraid I will choose wrong. I'm afraid that I can't trust myself to choose wisely.
I'm afraid he will do the same thing he did to me with another girl; I'm afraid he will impregnate someone else. I'm afraid he will love his next girlfriend more than he ever loved me. I'm afraid he will start a new family and pay less attention to November. I'm afraid we will lose him more than we already have.
I'm afraid that I'm damaged goods. I'm afraid no one will ever want me as a single mom who has made many mistakes.
Looking my fear in the face shows me how ridiculous some of those fears are, and helps me overcome the more reasonable fears. In answer to the fears I listed above:
Yes, I'm afraid I will make the same mistakes again, but I've already learned a lot and am doing things differently. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning of our relationship involving rushing into a serious relationship too soon, alcohol, promiscuity, and not listening to my inner sense. I'm not making any of those mistakes now. And the bottom line is: our relationship was NOT a mistake. No matter how many times I wish we had never even started dating in order to avoid the heartache I suffer, I must understand that it had to happen. I got November out of it, I became a better person, I grew wiser. This was meant to be no matter what came of it. I've learned so much and am armed with better knowledge to choose someone better for me next time. Yes, I might get hurt again. But if that is meant to happen, it will, despite all the wise choices I make. I just have to decide; be brave and try again, or hide from life?
I'm afraid of HE will make the same mistakes again, which obviously means I still care about him and don't want to see him screwing up his life. But his future is not my concern or responsibility. All that matters is his relationship with our daughter. Where my fear concerns him abandoning November, well, that is a very serious fear. But if he is a shitty enough person to stop being a good father to our daughter due to starting a new family, then he doesn't deserve to be in her life and she would be better off without him. I'm not exactly sure what to do with my fear of watching him love someone more than me, other than trusting that someday I will no longer give a crap about who he loves. I know in the future I will be with someone freaking amazing and will be loving that man more than any other, so why should HE not have the same happiness. In the end, I want us both to be happy in our separate lives.
My fear of being damaged goods is ridiculous. Yeah, some guys consider single moms to be a no-go, but they can suck it anyway. Choosing my next or even TRUE great love will be a very selective process. I only need the RIGHT kind of dedicated, family oriented man. Everyone else need not apply. I'm not interested. I know for sure that there are tons of guys out there who are more than happy to love a woman, even if she comes with some baggage...even if that baggage drools and poops its pants.
Fear is often unfounded. Once you really take it apart and look for truth, it can no longer scare you quite as bad.
In other news, I've been working on pampering me, doing things I love to do or that make me feel good. The other day November and I had a mommy-daughter date to the library, to get frozen yogurt, and then on a walk down the beautiful, peaceful trail that goes through our new neighborhood. Today I took a sunset jog down the trail!
I won't give up on love due to fear.