Tuesday, November 13, 2012

All You Need Is...a lot

Original image from {here}

The Beatles lied to us. They lied about a lot of things. Love songs and poetry, written in a fleeting moment of whirlwind lust and passion, boast beautiful words and false promises that can only be fulfilled if the artist is bound by duty, honor, and a strong moral compass. Because, like I said in my heartbroken post, those initial, lustful feelings always fade. Love becomes boring, domestic. Don't fall for a love song.

When I got out of my first long relationship, I read Being in Love by Osho. It was a great book and really helped me come to terms with the ending of my relationship, and move on. It taught me that the end of love is normal and often inevitable. It taught me to accept that people change and grow apart. I learned to be brave, accept the possibility that love could end again in my future, but to embrace new love without fear. I lived by this as a newly single woman on the rebound, and really resonated with the message.

The day my perception of love was once again altered was early in my relationship with November's daddy at my friend Abi's wedding. Her pastor was telling a story, as he stood before the couple ready to seal their fates together, about another couple he had recently married. This other couple had vows that ended in 'as long as love endures.' I was like, 'heck yeah, that's very realistic and forward-thinking of them! No one can promise an eternity to each other.' To my shock, he went on to explain how cowardly this vow was. He explained how the feelings you consider to be 'love' at the beginning months and years of a relationship or marriage are actually the fleeting, excited feelings of lust and passion, and if you expect to leave as soon as those feelings end, you certainly won't make it very far. He explained that love was a choice, and that marriage was a commitment to stay with the person you choose to love, even when things get tough, and passion fades.

I remember my feeling of awe and intimidation at his words. There I was, comparing these two opposing mindsets; I loved the freedom and fearlessness of Osho's philosophy, but it wasn't very secure; I loved the security and dedication of a Christian marriage, but it seemed so grim and difficult. I toyed with both ideals in the back of my mind, never settling on which was 'better'...until I had November.

Starting a family taught me the meaning of dedication, commitment and working hard at love through tough times; not only with Spencer, but with my new baby too. I realize now how important it is to be honor-bound by your spouse and children, to commit to them, and stay through the toughest times. NOW I understand the importance of having children AFTER you're married...to someone you have selected to commit to, to start a family with; someone who holds the proper values as a dedicated spouse and parent. Oops.

Not saying that married people have it any easier; divorce happens to the most well-planned couples. All I'm saying is that I totally get it now, especially why religious couples go through so much counseling and preparation; they are bound by faith to make their marriage work and want to do all that is possible to make that happen.

Osho's philosophy is wonderful for young singles, newly broken-up singles, or even more open-minded attached peoples. But I realize, at least for me, when it comes to marriage and starting a family, I want the dedicated, the honor-bound, the dutiful, the true heartfelt, life-giving commitment. Yeah, it's scary. Yeah, it's hard. But that's how you build a strong, unbreakable family. But first you have to choose the right person; someone who shares the same philosophy as you as is willing to work just as hard as you.

Love is just not enough.

You can love someone, but not be committed. You can love, but not behave dutifully. You can love, but not be right for someone. You can love, but not be dedicated. You can love, but not act loving. You can love, but not be loved back. 

You need love...and a whole lot else. 

With all that said, I know that November was meant to come into my life and I don't regret a thing. I was always meant to be a mom; she was always meant to be my baby. And while I would prefer she was born into a strong family, after a strong marriage between her daddy and I, it just didn't happen that way. Things happen for a reason, and I was meant to learn this lesson. I am already smarter and wiser from this experience, and better equipped to find the TRUE love of my life...whenever that is meant to be. In the meantime I am working on bettering myself and being a great mom. Being single (and sober, and NOT on the rebound) is giving me plenty of time to think about who I want to be and who I want to attract in the future. By becoming the type of person I would want to date (sober, family-oriented, smart, responsible, etc), I will more easily ATTRACT the right type of guy to me.

I've learned so much, I'm almost ready to be THANKFUL for this still-painful experience.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this little girl!


  1. My dear granddaughter, I wish I could spend a day with you while sharing how my life has gone when love stood in the way, and when love was fleeting. Now that I have a 31 year anniversary coming up I think I can share with you how I feel about love, family and commitment.

    You elaborate well your understanding about what's more important in life with a new baby. Your passionate love of a man with having a baby is so different from my first marriage. I want to share this with you, but in a few days--after I sit down and write it as though you and I are sitting over a cup of coffee or tea.

    Expect an email with an attachment, and we can begin to communicate our feelings as we can reflect on our past. I love you! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOUR BABY.

  2. Great thots. This is how I was raised, with the Christian values of marriage. It's true, emotional love is just not enough, it must be renewed actively by our choices and dedication. You deserve someone who will fight for you.