In an attempt to identify my feelings to work through them, instead of skirting around them, I've been searching beyond my feelings of hate and bitterness to see what really lies beneath. The end goal is healing. Overcoming my negative feelings to a place of forgiveness and freedom.
Today's discovery: feeling unworthy.
Coming to terms with the fact that I have been left, broken-up with, dumped, abandoned, set aside, or whatever you want to call it, has not been easy. Throw in the probability that I was left for another girl (who doesn't have an 'insurance policy' before breaking up with someone?) and I'm furious.
I feel so angry and bitter when I think HE left me, our relationship, our family, and the life we were making together to start a different life with someone else. Lets say even with the unlikely miniscule chance that another romantic interest had nothing to do with his decision to leave, he still left ME. Me, who was madly in love with him. Me, who did all I thought I could to keep the magic alive. Me, who always tried to be the perfect girlfriend. Me, who hadn't the slightest idea anything was going wrong for him.
It brings about all these questions about what is so wrong with ME? What did I do wrong? What is so repulsive about me? What is so much better about some other girl(s)?
And there it is; the ego. My anger and hate stem from wounds to my self-worth. I feel unworthy of love, I feel unattractive, and unlovable.
But that is not true. He obviously lost appreciation for me and all that I brought to our relationship and his life. I have NO idea what went wrong or when, what he was thinking, or what is going through his head. It's none of my business. My business is me. And guess what: I'm damn worthy of love and affection. Guys really do find me both lovable and attractive. I am worth it. I am.
Someone else will love me for me just fine. Someone else will be thrilled to have a chance with me. Someone will want to stick around. And all dating prospects aside; I'm thrilled to be with me! I like myself. I like the changes I've made and the person I've become. I like the ways that I'm growing and I KNOW great things are in store for me.
There's always someone better. And I deserve better. Sadly, I really thought HE was better. I thought he was the best. I have a hard time figuring out where I messed up in choosing him. Aside from a few mistakes and warning signs in the very beginning (age difference, he had just been dumped from a long relationship, I was still getting over my ex, our relationship was ignited by alcohol, sex came before romance)...ok now that I write it all out I can see those were HUGE warning signs. But aside from that, his courtship seemed so genuine and I felt like he would be good for me. But lessons have been learned. Maybe the ME I am now, never would have attracted him and his tempting romantic courtship? Hard to say. What's done is done and everything happens for a reason. The point is that I'm the cat's f-ing meow and deserve someone better. I'm worthy of someone better. I'm totally worthy of real, lasting love.
Don't ever let someone else's actions bring down your self worth. People are weird and do crazy shit. Don't let their problems bring you down. Just work on being the best version of YOU and you'll attract the right people. Smile! Life will get better.