Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My baby is a toddler

My little goofball! November is 14 months old! I feel like she is suddenly no longer a baby; she's a toddler. But I'll continue to call her my baby. Forever. She's been all about trying to figure out how things work; trying to fit into her moo cow house, rearranging the Tupperware cabinet, unfolding her clothes, taking them out of drawers, putting them back in, putting them on. She's a smart little cookie and loves making everyone laugh. Oh where is the time going?! So cliche, yet undoubtedly true!

{Emotional Healing} forgiveness

Image from {here}

If you've been following my blog, you know I've been working through issues of fear, self worth, anger, and bitterness. Well, I reached a much anticipated turning point much sooner than I had thought: forgiveness.

I'm not exactly sure when my feelings shifted, but there was one day where I just realized that no matter how bad my ex had hurt me, I took no joy in seeing him hurt. I realized I wanted him to be happy. Even if that meant him being happy without me (or even with someone else.)

I knew the day would come when I would be ready to forgive. I intuitively knew I would never be able to fully heal, move on, or love again until I could forgive him for the pain he caused me, and wish him well. I had imagined, however, that this would be a gradual, long process, so it took me by surprise when it dawned on me suddenly that I was ready to forgive.

I think it really got to me when I stumbled upon the Mars Hill Church Real Marriage sermon series and watched the one about fighting and forgiveness. The Christian view on marriage is quite new to me and I am so fascinated by its principals and have found that my ideals are very aligned; duty, honor, dedication, friendship, love, respect. Anyhow, I learned a few things to help clarify my confusion over the whole forgiveness issue:

1.) forgiveness does not mean the other party has to beg forgiveness or even to be sorry. I knew my ex was sorry, but we hadn't gone deeper than an 'I'm sorry, you deserve better.' He didn't express what he was sorry for or tell me what he thought he had done wrong, or ask to be forgiven. Was I supposed to wait until he wanted forgiveness? Was I supposed to tell him he was forgiven? The answer is no. Forgiveness is about me. It is about freeing my heart. It's about letting go regardless of the one who hurt me. 

2.) forgiveness does not mean trust. I thought I might be ready to forgive, but I still didn't trust him, or even understand the whys and reasons behind what he had done. I didn't even think HE knew! If I forgave him, did that mean I was supposed to trust him immediately? If he suddenly wanted me back, was I just supposed to act like nothing had happened and trust him? No. Again, forgiveness is about setting my heart free. It doesn't mean giving it away again recklessly. You can forgive and not trust the person. Trust takes much more work than forgiveness. 

3.) forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. I thought I was ready to forgive, but there were no talks of reconciliation. If I forgave, would that mean we should get back together? No. Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, but one does not produce the other. Reconciliation takes repentance (being genuinely sorry and passionate to work things out) AND forgiveness from BOTH parties! And even with all that there, it doesn't mean reconciliation will even work out. It can, but it is not guaranteed.

So, with the realization that forgiveness was a one-man (or woman) show that occurred solely within my heart, I forgave. I wished him well. From the deepest of my heart, I wished to see him happy. Not necessarily to his face, but in my heart and mind. Sometimes my past wounds reopen and I have to stop the drama playing out in my mind and remember that I have forgiven him. I also learned that forgiveness is a continual process. You don't forgive once and never feel anger again; you work on it every day.

Forgiveness may be freeing but it doesn't mean life has been a piece of cake. I still get depressed and anxious and worried about my future on occasion. Since giving birth and getting my 'monthly vagina party' back, I have experienced a first: raging PMS! I'm not sure why having a baby has changed this, but I just notice that a few days, or up to a week before my monthly party, I get incredibly depressed. It is NOT a fun time to be me! It's like being a 'sad-drunk' because all I want to do is cry and 'drunk' text everyone about my misery. Then the monthly vag party starts, the fog lifts, and I'm as jolly as a rabbit on ecstasy. Being a woman is crazy.

And I even get anxious on normal days too. It's just part of life when you let your thoughts run rampant. I've been doing my best to be present and enjoy the amazing beauty of my everyday life; my baby, my friends, my family, potential romance. I've got a great life and great people in it. I don't know where my life will take me or what will happen, but my present life is lovely and my future is sure to knock my socks off; it always does.

Who do you need to forgive?

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Goodbye Kitsune

I know 3 posts in one day is a little excessive, but I figure if I'm on a roll, go for it!

A few weeks ago I made the decision to get rid of my first baby, the four-legged one; Kitsune. I loved her so much and she's gotten me through tough times and has been my snuggle buddy through cozy times. But I knew when I was pregnant there would be a chance that she wouldn't adjust well to the baby. Even though she has never been viscous, she is a sometimes skittish dog who likes privacy and space when she needs to be alone, especially with strangers and children.

At first things were fine. She seemed to grow from indifference to liking the baby over the months; snuggling by her, bringing her toys (even when Nova was sleeping Kit would often lay one of her icky dog toys next to the baby!) but once November became completely enamored with Kitsune, things went south. Nova loved her doggy and was so fascinated by her, chasing her, grabbing at her, falling on her. Then she started pulling on her, cornering her. It was nothing too bad, but you could tell it was starting to stress Kit out. She growled a few times, even bared her teeth and snapped. Luckily, she never came close to truly biting, but with our Big Change, it was enough to stress me out to my breaking point.

So my beloved Kitsune (fox in Japanese) has a new home with my friend Josh. He seems to love her and can even take her to work with him! I'm glad she has a home with someone who can give her the attention she needs without the stresses of a baby. I feel bad taking Nova's dog away, bug not as bad as I would feel if she got hurt by Kit. Now here is my photo dedication to Kitsune and the baby she loved/loved to hate.
Kitsune I love you and miss you and wish you the best darn doggy life!

Happiness is a warm baby

I'm feeling emotional and depressed this evening. And while I enjoy the therapeutic quality of my emotional healing posts, I feel like that's all my blog consists of lately. So instead I'm going to share joy with beautiful pictures of my lovey love, and in turn I will feel much happier (I already do just from looking at them!) I haven't continued with November's monthly picture updates since the big transition, so these are some pictures since her birthday.
Rainy dog walks at grandmas house
New shoes
New toy
Good morning, new room!
New yard
New tunnel

Whenever I get caught up in dwelling on the past, or grieving the loss of the future I thought I was going to have, I need to stop, look at my sweet girl, and be grateful for the life I DO have, with the family I am in. I may not be a wife with a loving husband, my own household, and more babies on the way, but I am a loving mother WITH a loving mother, living in a beautiful home with my beautiful daughter and family that loves and supports me. I still have time to live my dreams and create the domestic bliss I desire. But life is RIGHT NOW. And I am so grateful for it.

November's first Santa

She seemed a little confused about meeting Santa at our first Christmas party of the year, but she was pretty relaxed about it! She even got a gift from him; a stuffed snowman! November absolutely loves all things Christmas. She loves Christmas trees, the bright lights, the decorations. It's so cute to see her whole face light up whenever she sees our tree or hugs her little snowman. I can't wait to watch her enjoy Christmas morning!
Happy holidays!