Thursday, March 20, 2014

{Gratitude} March 2014

I am so grateful for the superhuman emotional strength God has blessed me with. Actually, I don't know if I can call it strength; it's more like resiliency. 

I don't know if I'm strong; When my heart breaks, I fall apart. When life doesn't go the way I hoped it would, I fall apart. When my dreams are crushed, I fall apart. I fall apart, I cry, I mourn, I ache. I obsess over what went wrong. I wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I wonder if i should ever open my heart again, or if it wouldn't be better to shut people out. I think about giving up on my dreams.

Then I get back up and start again.

As soon as I'm tired of feeling like absolute garbage, I try to climb out of the dark places. I pray for the strength to make it through troubled times. I pray for God's help and comfort. I pray for the ability to choose happiness. And then I choose happiness. It starts with a simple statement: I choose happiness. I say it over and over. I start to feel at ease. I start to believe it. Sooner or later, I start to actually feel it.

And then I'm elated. Life is beautiful again.

I'm so grateful for this emotional resiliency. I'm grateful that my heart is big enough and strong enough to open up over and over no matter how many times it is crushed. I am so grateful for all the lessons I learn from every hurt and set back, and how transformed I can become, should I choose to embrace it. I'm grateful for my optimism; that experience has made me stronger, not jaded. 

I am so grateful for this life, for all of the experiences. I am grateful for the path I am on, even though it can be hard sometimes. Being a single mom isn't something I would have chosen for myself. Being unmarried at 30 isn't something I ever expected. Once I realized I wanted kids, I never imagined I would have any setbacks to starting the family I wanted. But this is the life I have, and there is beauty in it. My life is still so full of possibility. I may not have the exact life I had always imagined, but I have a great life, and it is sure to be unique and fulfilling.

My relationship with my daughter is great and growing. My relationship with God is deepening. My understanding of myself is clearer. I'm opening my heart to friends more. I'm being friendlier to strangers. I'm getting better at generosity. I still have dreams of meeting The One and starting a family, but there is plenty to focus on and enjoy in the meantime. And marriage and family is by no means an end; it's an entirely new and often difficult journey. When it's time for me to embark on that journey, I'm sure my path will take me there.

Thank you God for this incredible life!

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